Sick of the Turkey…Bring on da BEEF.

So, shall I speak to you in stunning phrases that turn this world of words into delightful caverns of imagery and thoughtful amusements? Shall I paint for you a message of hope that burns within to cover the wounds that seize your ever-darkened heart?

Nah…All this “searching”  for authenticity and “finding” my voice and “ignoring” the critics and “growing” is great, but let’s take a break.

Shall we?

Yes. Let’s.

Well, Christmas, she’s come and gone.  But the memory lives on…

Good lawdie, Miss Maudie…

And, yup, I KNOW, that video is about Thanksgivin’ and this here post is about Christmas…but Turkey is Turkey is Turkey…

And we’re SICKITY-SICK of it…

So… I got all bold up in da’ howse with this Christmas Dinner…

*The Wellington of Beef
*Brussel Sprouts ala Pancetta
*Apricot-Pistachio Sausage Roll of delight…

And this is how it rolled…hahaha

Step 1. Get some flat topped shrooms, from the store…don’t go wandering through fields and get hallucinogenic funguses…or worse, the poisonous kinds…

Sautee those puppies in some oil.  Then drain ‘em and blend the bleep outta ‘em.  And forget to take pictures of it…yeah, that’s the best.

Step 2.  Take that GLORIOUS hunk of PRIME Beef Tenderloin that costs more than a 20lb Free Range Organic Turkey and slather it with English Moooo-stard.

Take yur pick.

I went with this Lavender version.  It was a tangy delight.

Step 3.  Take a picture of the Pan, after you fry the shrooms, ‘cuz that’s what everyone really wants to see…hardy-har-har-har.

Step 4. Lay out thin slices of heaven on a piece of Aluminum Foil…or you can go with Prosciutto if you’d rather. But really, one in the same…no?

Step 6. Dump previously smushed shrooms onto the glorified bacon.

Step 7.  Love that you have one of these really cool flat spatula spreader thingies… I KNOW they have a name. Just not what it is, right at this very moment in time.  I’m sure my baking friends will be glad to share it in the comment section down under…

Step 8.  Take a break, cuz that looks so purdy and you’ve got ta catch yur breath before the real fun begins.

And you need to get yur courage up.

So have a tasty Cranberry Ginger Ale…

Nope.  No Tequila in that…

Absolutely, positively none…

Now, take a look back at your fancy-schmancy recipe holder, otherwise known as your upper kitchen cabinet, and steel yur nerves.

With another beverage…hahaha…just kidding…that’s the same one…

Really.

Oh, and if you look closely behind the glass, you can see the actual next step is to place the meat ON the pancetta…not keep takin’ pictures of your yummy beverage…

Step 9.  Pull out your homemade pie crust…that you slaved over for hours and hours got from the store.

And wrap that gorgeous hunk of meat all up in that crusty goodness…

But trim it off first, so it’ll be all nice and… trim.  Yeah, I’m loosing my creativity with the words right about now, cuz this post is starting to get too long and bore me even though I’m the one sitting here trying show you how awesome it actually turned out. sigh.

Whew! Now, I’m feelin’ bettah…

So, let me go back and be serious here for just a minute minute…

First you have to wrap the meat up in the pancetta.  A cow in a pig’s blanket, hehehe…

Then,  comes the crust. I used a package of Pillsbury Ready Made Pie crusts.  Laid one down…slapped the hunk of meat that’s been all wrapped up in the pig and laid the other on top.  As you see in the picture above, I trimmed it up so I could seal the two crusts together and twirl it all up like you see in the picture.  It’s not that hard.

I’m serious.

Then, bake that sucka according to Chef Ramsay’s detailed instructions, ‘cuz he’s the Master, and you better go check out his directions…yeah. That’s probably a brilliant idea.

Brilliant.

And if you are super smooth like I am, it’ll look something like this here:

Yes, that’s actually my Wellington of Beef…I did not steal that picture and paste my watermark on it so you’ll think I’m all hot and stuff.  If you’ll just stop by, I can show you my grandmother’s serving platter…REALLY.

See, that’s his…all staged with holly leaves and junk. Magazine picture perfect.

And, Oh baby, it didn’t last long.  Just look at that beautiful carnage…like a Lion all up on a Wilder Beast.

Or a frog…

We just inhaled ate it…fortunately, it didn’t try and hop away…

Next up…Sausage stuffed with sausage…

{and, yes, that’s the Chef’s version down thar…}

Mine looks bettah…hehehe…yeah, right…