A letter to Myself and a Curtain Toot

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Dear Gwen,

Well, what’s done is done.

Lamenting gets you no where…and who likes a whiner, anyway? Even if it is to Les Miserab-luh…

Best just to accept the hand that fate delt and move on.
I mean…you did go from this:

To This:

To this:
To, finally, This…
You even have a spare one 
in your family room…

{Side-note:  Gwen, beg your photography friends to come an’ hep you with yur photography skills…

and then learn to stage before you randomly take pictures…like, unplug the stinkin’ DSi cord at least…}

O.K. Let’s get back to the point…

I mean, you love the fabric…

Bedroom Collage

You’ve got a beautiful vase from a dear friend, a vintage quilt that your Great Aunt Ikey made along with that beautiful crocheted bedspread from your Grandmother.

And don’t forget that stunning beaded purse from your sweet, sweet, Mom-in-love!


*Disclaimer:  This is NOT the most professional way to make curtains…just one of many quick and easy ways.  

Step 1.  Be really excited ‘cuz you do LOVE this graphicy-floral fabric.

Step 2.  Bring it home an explain to yur husband just how much this Stinkin’ Headboard NEEDS help and you had to spend the, ahem, $80 on it or you were gonna start sleepin’ in the office to avoid havin’ to look at that bed…

Step 3.  Hand over the receipt and leave the room faster than a Motorcycle riding Zebra bein’ chased by his best pal cuz he snogged  his lioness…

Step 4. Try to straighten the grain.  Do this by clipping the end where that there selvage is and tear.  Fun, huh?  That is, ’till you realize that purdy floral D-sign is printed a teensy bit on the crooked side and you don’t dare tear it all the way across…


Step 5.  Measure out the desired length.  Make sure you clip all the way through the selvage, cuz who needs to have curtains that are the same width…


Step 6.  Use your trust T-square to make sure you cut a straight line.  Seriously, USE THE BLOODY T-SQUARE!!!


Yay!  Go Gwen!

You managed to actually cut it straight.  You’ve finally realized you weren’t born with a laser line coming out of your pupils that allow you to magically cut a straight line.

Step 7.  Turn under the top and bottom 2”.  If you stick the ruler under the fold, you can measure it perfectly and iron at the same time.
At this point, you might want to turn your hem under again.  Or you can choose to be impatient and just Zig-zag it so it won’t go all hairy on ya…

Just in case you missed my cool trick…


Step 8.  Turn under the long edges, aka. Selvages.

Selvage edges are the tightly woven sides of the fabric that won’t fray.  Don’t cut them off. They make great turner-underers…

Remember we’re trying to do this as lazilyquickly and easily as humanly possible….

Step 9.  Give that girlie a big hug and a smoochie, cuz you haven’t had ‘er serviced since ya brought her home 6 long years ago… I know, don’t send me hate mail…I’ma get her a lube job soon…


Now, you might want to take a break and 
admire yur cute little grasshopper chair…
or you might want to drink an
RC cola and eat a chocolate Moon Pie…

{You know yur from the South if that’s familiar…}

Step…shoot, I lost count…No Matter…

Just sew er’ up.


Now, yall, if you say you can’t sew….  Shame, shame, shame.  It’s just a straight line.  Go to Target or Wal-mart or wherever and buy a little girlie and sew some old sheets together.  Sew some old underwear together.  Pretty soon, yur cat and dog will run from you ‘cuz they’re afraid you’ll sew them together…

You can do this… it’s not rocket science.  It’s not even science… Heck, it’s not even a rocket…

Oh, and make sure NOT to check the bobbin so you run out of thread halfway through.  That ALWAYS makes you happy…

Iron those seams, baby.
That’s what makes it look all pro-fession-al…

Now, how ya gonna hang ‘em?  Are those Shower curtain thingies?  Girl, you’ve lost it.  No, I know you won’t be able to see them behind the head board, hmmm…maybe that’s genius…Jury’s still out…

Well, if yur gonna use those, then sew some eyelets to hook em’ through.

Then hang ‘em up.  But take off those finials first cuz they look S.T.U.P.I.D stickin’ out.

No, I don’t know how to keep the curtains from sliding off…you gotta figure that out on your own.


Well, lookie there, those rubber washers you found in junkity drawer‘ll work like magic.

Good job, Gwennie!

Now yur all done…

What do you think yur friends are gonna say?   Don’t know?

Well, maybe they’ll leave some love in yur comment box?

Let’s ask em?

What?  They’ve already seen it?  Maybe… maybe not!..

You’ll never know if you don’t ask…


Gwen here:

Well, what do yall think?  I dare you to tell the truth….Double dog dare ya…

{Gwen, darlin’, don’t dare them…That’s not nice. Didn’t yo’ momma teach you anythin?}

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  1. So I have had a sewing machine for coming up on three years. My momma got it for me for Christmas. Have never used. Not. Even. Once. Ok. ONCE. But it was for like five minutes. It's funny. When me and the siblings were younger and we saw our mom take out the sewing machine (one of those oldies that you pulled up out of a table–old school, yo!) we would clear out. She always got really grumpy whenever she sewed. She has gotten a new sewing machine and isn't so grumpy anymore, though. Either it's the new sewing machine or she has chilled out in her old age. 😉

    I love your posts. You crack me up, lady!

    1. Love your talent and humor; ditto per below…you are H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!

  2. Those curtains are seriously awesome ~ thanks for showing how you put it all together!

  3. your posts always make me laugh. I love the curtains…and also have a sewing machine that I should take out of the closet and actually do something with again!

  4. They're fabulous!!! Love that fabric and the wood.

    Santa is giving my daughter a sewing machine for Christmas. Guess who's gonna use it??? 🙂

  5. Your photos are great! And your whimsical posts are amusing 🙂 I like the curtains. I like the print and the final result. I would never work with wood – well, I have, and it's such a pain with all the sanding and painting… Too much physical labor for me. So you get points for that. I am still saddened by the fact that you haven't taken your poor sewing machine to be serviced for 6 years. As for the curtain tutorial – when I hem the curtains I usually double-fold the fabric so that even from the wrong side you won't see the frayed edge. And another tip which is more relevant to couture but I tend to follow: I do cut off the selvage, because it is (like you said) a tighter weave than the fabric, and might warp or pull on the fabric rather than all of your fabric having the same consistency. I've never put in those ring thingies (eyelets?) or bought fancy metal rings that you hang on the rod. I'd made one curtain a long time ago, and added fabric loops, which is a lot more work and the fabric doesn't glide easily on the rod. So I'm adding eyelets and fancy metal rings to my to-do list for my upcoming bedroom curtain. Thanks for the inspiration!

  6. I actually use my sewing machine for all sorts of projects – congrats on showing us quick and easy for drapes!!

  7. First of all: The way you write makes me smile. You're just sooooo darn CUTE!!!

    Secondly: The design is fantastically original. Forget Emily Henderson's little project, yours is totally unique and wonderful. Though I do of course see the fun color/textural similarities.

    Thirdly: I just love your blog and projects! That's all…

  8. can't i just pay you to make mine? c'mon. or barter, perhaps? i'll toss you some anthro knobs or ikea goodies for some seamstressing on your part.

    and i want that fabric, too!

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