Remember the Smashing Stranger?
She baaaaaaack…
So, when we last left our lovely couple, The Smashing Stranger and the Lonely Table, the table was no longer lonely, but it was still awaiting her minor face-lift…
So, without further ado… Heeeeeeeere we go…
From this:
To…
Drum-roll pleeeeeeeeeeeze…
Allllll Right, so maybe we don’t actually need a drum roll, cuz you might not be that impressed with my seeeerious lack of fine motor skills..
What’s that, you say? You can’t tell how awesome it is see what it looks like? Not at all???
Well, maybe we should just stop here anyway…
Ok. Ok. I’ve gone this far… might as well bare my entire weary soul…
So, how did I get from point A to point B?
I was hopin’ you’d ask…
Step 1. Have no idea how to do this, but find a great tip on da net about how newspaper print it JUST like GRAPHIC paper… hahaha…
Step 2. Use some leftovah green butcher paper that you had from a “school project” (that nobody even remotely enjoyed) and cut out a big circle the size o’ yo’ table…
Step 3. Make SURE all yur animals know they are invited to help…
(Yo, cat…not now! Seriously.. NOT A GOOD TIME TO BE MESSIN’ WIT YO MOMMA…)
Whew! O.K. Where were we?
Step 4. Now that WILD KINGDOM is over, you can cut that circle out…
Step 5. Fold that circle into a cone shape…you know, in half, and then in half again…yur smart, you get it, right?
Then do the same thing with yur template… That way you both the little template and the big green circle are grided out and you can free-hand draw the ENTIRE design onto the back of the Big Green Circle…
Yeah, right…
Step 6. Realize yur gonna need to smooth out those stinkin’ circles you folded out on the graph and go an’ make yurself a compass outta some leftover piece of wood in the garage…Drill some holes in it and use it to draw even circles on yo’ big circle…
Step 7. Draw out that graphic on the Big Circle and realize half way through you DO NOT want all of those little details ‘cuz you’ll be spending yur lovely twilight years workin’ on this dern table…Not to mention you already have enough gray hairs on that head ‘a yurs.
Step 8. Tape newspaper all up unda dat circle and trace with a HEAVY hand…unfortunately, you learn that after the fact…
Oh and be sure NOT have any tape at first and use a glue stick to hold it down.
Step 9 million. Fill in the design…make it up if you can’t see the dern “tracing”…
Oh, I just used one of those new Crayola White Board Crayons…
They’re good fur tracing on Furniture…or walls..
(but that’s fur later… so DON’T, I repeat, DO NOT, look at that wall behind the table… just pretend you never saw it…)
Step 9 million and 1. Now is the time to attach yur Robotic Arm so you can get nice smooth, even strokes.
Mine was in the shop for over use so I had to rely on my own stinkin’ ‘natural’ arm, which is why it looks sooooo “hand-painted” and “artistic”…
Step 9 million and 2. Step back and see if you can get away with not finishing out the design..
Step 9 million and 3. Decide that it would look stupider than Monkey’s Uncle in a 3 Piece Vintage Armani Smoking Jacket … and finish painting… and painting… and painting…
(Yo…Whasup with all the monkey illustrations? Don’t really know…)
But take a little break first…
You might want to have some lemonade and some marshmallows..
Then GET BACK TO WORK, LAZYBONES and finish painting, distressing and waxing that table…
Step 9 million and, oh I lost count…
But that’s O.K. cuz yur FINALLY finished. Now you can sit back and have a cup of steaming hot coffee and a couple of luscious home-made brownies to go with it.
Won’t you join me at my new table? I’ve got an extra place set just fur you!
Cookie’s even keepin yur seat warm till you get here..
THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA END!
P.S. Yes, because you asked so nicely, I did recover those seats…
That’s the same fabric as the pillows the dog just ate…yup $45/yd…
The world was almost shy of one more Black Lab that night…
O.K. NOW I’m Done…
Did I totally wear you out?