#2: Why Self-Compassion is so important.

Hi there! You’re listening to episode #2 of the Redefining Bold Podcast. I’m your host Gwen Whitfield from theboldabode.com, where I guide warm-hearted women in their quest for a more organized, cleaner home and a more productive and vibrant life.

Today we’re going to talk about the importance of and how to cultivate self-compassion.

So, first, I want you to think about the person that you love the absolute most. The person you’d walk over coals for, the person that you’d climb Mt. Everest for… the person that you’d walk 500 miles for.

This person means everything to you and makes your world better even when they’re driving you crazy and you want to throw wet noodles at sometimes.

Now, what do you tell them when they fail? When they don’t hit the mark? When they’re struggling with their self-confidence and ability to perform?

What do you tell them when they’re sad? When they’re feeling like nothing is going their way and they feel like they’ll never get to where they want to be?

You’d say things like:

It’s going to be OK.

You’re so smart and you work hard. You’ll get there! Just keep going.

I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you, but keep going because you have it in you!

Things like:

I know this sucks right now, but I’m here for you.

Wow. That was a jerky thing for them to say, you handled that situation really well.

You have so much to offer, I know you can do it. I’m cheering you on!

We are so compassionate and empathetic when someone we love is having a hard time or is going through a difficult situation.

But what about when you, yourself hits a rough spot?

What kind of things do you tell yourself when things aren’t going your way?

When I was growing up with my three older sisters, who I thought were beautiful and talented and literally, hung the moon and the stars, I would watch them.

I’d watch them while they were getting ready in the mornings for school. They’d be curling their hair and putting on their make-up. All the grown up things I wish I could have been doing with them.

And I’d listen too. I’d listen to them say things to themselves… some pretty mean things.

Things like:
Oh, my gosh, I’m sooooo fat!

Would you look at my face? It looks terrible! (referring to the one zit on their forehead)

Ugh. I can’t believe how much weight I’ve gained. I’m so stupid.

And on and on.

And so, I grew up, too, to be insanely judgmental about myself. And it was hard. I was the tallest and felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.

When I looked in the mirror, all I could see was what I didn’t have. I didn’t have straight enough hair. I didn’t have blue enough eyes. I didn’t have big enough boobs.

My butt was too flat.

My feet were too big.

And on and on and on.

And that self-criticism bled in to my academics, my performing. I made good grades, but I wasn’t smart enough. I won that state competition, but it was only in Mississippi.

And then, as an full-grown adult, into my ability to parent and to keep a clean and organized home.

I felt worthless and stupid and would oftentimes call myself an idiot.

Terrible horrible things to tell someone who you’re supposed to love.

Now think about the one you love the most, that we imagined at the start of this episode.

Now, imagine, that you are that person. You are the person that you love like that.

Because you should be.

What does it look like to be empathic towards yourself? To have self-compassion?

In my training with Rick Hansen, he said this:

Compassion is the wish that a being not suffer, usually along with feelings of sympathetic concern. Our compassion is sincere even if we cannot relieve the suffering. Self-compassion simply applies this attitude toward oneself. It requires that we are touched by our own suffering and are able to step outside of it to see that it is part of the human experience. It is different from wallowing in self-pity; in fact, research shows that self-compassion makes us stronger, more resilient, and more responsive.

When you feel discouraged or frustrated with yourself, having a sense of self-compassion creates a sense of caring and concern for yourself.

So think of self-compassion as the opposite of self-criticism, which is just senselessly beating ourselves up. ( As a side note: Self-criticism in not self-guidance. Self guidance is good. We definitely need to listen to ourselves to know if and when we’re messing up!)

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs12671-017-0777-z

According to a systematic review, high self-compassion is associated with reduced stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms (MacBeth and Gumley 2012). Self-compassion also relates with improvements in self-reported indicators of positive affectivity, such as greater happiness, optimism, positive affect, and life satisfaction (Neff 2003a; Neff et al. 2007).

So, all of the while, while we sit in criticism of ourselves, aren’t we really just creating our negativity and lack of joy?

Being nice to yourself can actually help you to be happier and deal with disappointment and discouraging situations more easily. It will help you be more successful and more resilient.

Wow. Showing kindness to myself can help me be better, do better and achieve more?

Ok. That sounds like it might be worth a try, right?

When we show compassion to ourselves, we are kind and understanding just like we would be to the ones we love. Instead of sitting in criticism and judgement, we offer ourselves a sense of being cared about. We connect with our imperfection in understanding that it’s a part of being human.

So the next time you feel that self-critical voice whispering in your ear that you’re not enough, that you’re stupid or you’re a mess, stop and think of someone you love. Allow that feeling of compassion for them to infiltrate your body.

Then shift that feeling onto yourself and allow it to just wash over you. Because you deserve to care about yourself as much as you care about others.

Thanks so much for sharing this time with me, and I’ll see you in the next episode!